Appreciation

It always makes me wonder how people want things they can't have.

But when it's there, we don't seem to care anymore.
When it is ours, we disregard it.

Yes, it is good to be comfortable, but when you get too comfortable, the small things doesn't seem to matter anymore. But when apart, when you cannot have it next to you, only then we say how much we miss it.

Just a constant cycle.

You desire for something new, work hard to get it. When you have it, it becomes less precious to you.

You desire for a person, you try hard to get the person. When the person is yours, you just don't try as hard anymore.

Why?

I can never understand.
I still don't.

Young and Beautiful

Its surprising to see that what you do still affects me somehow.

I could never understand why this part of my past is so difficult to let go. I've moved on. 

I know I have.

I'm sure.

I think. 

I don't know. 

Because of my past, I tend to always block out things I don't want to remember.  My brain spontaneously stops remembering things that bring my pain. It has been tune to function that way, I believe a way to protect me from so many things. I'm not ignorant, just numb? 

In the beginning, I couldn't understand why it was so easy for me to let go of people so important to me. Maybe because it was easy for people that were important to me to let go of me. Just maybe, who knows what the real reason to these things are.

Another emotional post? No. 

A reminder, yes. 

Time & Space

The worst feeling is feeling guilty when you're happy.

Constantly feeling this way.

Every genuine smile and laughter brings in more guilt. 

I have to stop. 

The time isn't right. 

I'm sorry.

Tied down.

I feel so tied down. 

So constricted. 

So limited. 

 

Everything I do, my actions, affects people around me, pulls them down. 

I've tried very hard. Very hard, to please everyone around me.

To try and make everyone else happy. 

To try to be there for everyone. 

To care for them whenever they need it. 

I've been trying to be gentle, to be subtle  in everything I do, just so I don't hurt the people around me.

But regardless of what I do, I just can't make everyone happy, someone is always dissatisfied. 

I'm sorry. 

I've told myself countless of times to just care for myself, be selfish. 

But I just can't. 

I care about these people too much to push them aside. 

Constantly reminding myself that I'm only human. There's no need to feel guilty. 

Growing up, people come and go. Friends come and go. 

I'm afraid. 

Afraid to be alone. 

Afraid to be left behind again. 

Afraid to have to start over again. 

I've open up time and time again, and always end up hurting. 

People just don't realize how much they affect me, how they make me feel, how they make me mentally tired, thinking and thinking, always reaching a dead end. 

Sometimes I question, is it just me? 

Regardless of how much I want to believe its true, sometimes, the only person I can trust is myself. 

I'm stronger than I know. 

I should really give myself some credit for being able to go through so much. 

Fake a smile till I make it. 

Just something from the mind, and heart. 

No modifications, just very raw feelings. 

Sue me for trying to be happy. 

Rant. Don't ask.