Rant #2

At this point, I know you're getting annoyed with me bringing the same thing up over and over again.

But honestly, making a decision that basically is a deal breaker is hard. Very hard. You win some, you lose some.

At this point, I need something solid, something that would make my decision easier. Some kind of assurance that if I do choose you, I know it's going to be okay.

But right now, it's still all a blur.

Give and take? Isn't that how this work?

Or am I just too naive to believe that this will blossom into something more.

Rant #1

I always seem to be blogging whenever I need to step into a whole new part of my life. My third year in the US, my last year, I'll be graduating soon and it's a big step into a whole new part of my life. So many unanswered questions lingering through my mind, I wish I could just ask my future self, what the right choice should be.

But yet again, what is right? I always try to make the right choice and do the right thing. What is the definition of right? A choice I supposedly make that no one else will disagree with. But wait, am I really the one making the decision.

Stepping into official "adulthood", I have to admit scares me but excites me. I feel like I have so many things to look forward to, but why do I keep feeling like I have so many things to lose. Stuck in this little bubble of mine that I can't seem to break through. Cheesy, but a serious conflict between the heart and the mind.

Why is it that what I want to do and what I need to do becomes two different things, things that I need to pick and choose from. Is this what my life has come down to?

Appreciation

It always makes me wonder how people want things they can't have.

But when it's there, we don't seem to care anymore.
When it is ours, we disregard it.

Yes, it is good to be comfortable, but when you get too comfortable, the small things doesn't seem to matter anymore. But when apart, when you cannot have it next to you, only then we say how much we miss it.

Just a constant cycle.

You desire for something new, work hard to get it. When you have it, it becomes less precious to you.

You desire for a person, you try hard to get the person. When the person is yours, you just don't try as hard anymore.

Why?

I can never understand.
I still don't.

Young and Beautiful

Its surprising to see that what you do still affects me somehow.

I could never understand why this part of my past is so difficult to let go. I've moved on. 

I know I have.

I'm sure.

I think. 

I don't know. 

Because of my past, I tend to always block out things I don't want to remember.  My brain spontaneously stops remembering things that bring my pain. It has been tune to function that way, I believe a way to protect me from so many things. I'm not ignorant, just numb? 

In the beginning, I couldn't understand why it was so easy for me to let go of people so important to me. Maybe because it was easy for people that were important to me to let go of me. Just maybe, who knows what the real reason to these things are.

Another emotional post? No. 

A reminder, yes. 

Time & Space

The worst feeling is feeling guilty when you're happy.

Constantly feeling this way.

Every genuine smile and laughter brings in more guilt. 

I have to stop. 

The time isn't right. 

I'm sorry.

Tied down.

I feel so tied down. 

So constricted. 

So limited. 

 

Everything I do, my actions, affects people around me, pulls them down. 

I've tried very hard. Very hard, to please everyone around me.

To try and make everyone else happy. 

To try to be there for everyone. 

To care for them whenever they need it. 

I've been trying to be gentle, to be subtle  in everything I do, just so I don't hurt the people around me.

But regardless of what I do, I just can't make everyone happy, someone is always dissatisfied. 

I'm sorry. 

I've told myself countless of times to just care for myself, be selfish. 

But I just can't. 

I care about these people too much to push them aside. 

Constantly reminding myself that I'm only human. There's no need to feel guilty. 

Growing up, people come and go. Friends come and go. 

I'm afraid. 

Afraid to be alone. 

Afraid to be left behind again. 

Afraid to have to start over again. 

I've open up time and time again, and always end up hurting. 

People just don't realize how much they affect me, how they make me feel, how they make me mentally tired, thinking and thinking, always reaching a dead end. 

Sometimes I question, is it just me? 

Regardless of how much I want to believe its true, sometimes, the only person I can trust is myself. 

I'm stronger than I know. 

I should really give myself some credit for being able to go through so much. 

Fake a smile till I make it. 

Just something from the mind, and heart. 

No modifications, just very raw feelings. 

Sue me for trying to be happy. 

Rant. Don't ask. 

Suffocation

Suffocating. I need some space to breathe.

I have the tendency to always try to do as many things at one go, then only realizing i have too much on my plate. A habit i can't seem to overcome.
Its difficult to balance so many things at once when you have to commit to all of it.

Application process is pretty much a hassle. Very very tedious work. An obligation, a duty, if i am ever going to be transferring.

Working in Phat Culture has been great. And i enjoy myself. But the commitment to it is really eating me up alive.

Being in the committee is something i enjoy. A lot. But recently, its been feeling like an obligation to be in the committee. And that feeling is rather unpleasant.

Assignments are already piling in, and its only the fourth week. I'm only taking 2 subjects but i can't cope with it. Oh good gosh, what has happen to me.

Doesn't sound much i suppose, reading through the blog post. But i'm only one person, i can only take so much.

For now, i'm hoping that i don't have to give up on any of them. 

Persevere to the end.

Philippians 4:13
I am able to do all things in Him who empowers me.

One of my favorite verses.

till here,

x,
Celine